No Greater Love Have I Ever Known

I've spent most of my evening at ilike.com, which, I might say, is a sweet site. I get to look at all my favorite artists, find out what their up to, listen to songs I may not have heard from them before, and find other artists in similar tastes. I've expanded my knowledge base, if you well, of music. There's even a fun game where you listen to music clips and answer questions. After several minutes of playing, I was dubbed the highly anticipated title of "Music Junkie." That I am, people, that I am.

Erich and I are putting together the music list for the wedding, and I have to say this has been the most relaxing part of the wedding. I love listening to music, and it's a huge relief that Erich and I have similar tastes in music, because remembering my relationship with Steve, he was all techno and Japanese music. *cough* Not what I want at the wedding.

I realised that music is one of the major things that bring Erich and I together. We love showing each other music, testing each other's knowledge, or just hearing new tracks together, and discussing the little things. I enjoy debating music with him-it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.

Linkin Park is on tour again-go figure that they will only tour in Japan and England. How generous of them. *psh*

Anywho, I just had Erich load my MP3 with tons of good new stuff. So I'm gonna listen to it in my room, alone, in the dark. My favorite way to listen to music.

Have a good one.

Much has happened, and I've been so busy, I haven't really had time to say much about it.

The wedding.

My church invited me to have the wedding there free of charge. I took the offer.

The Pastor, Pastor Steve, said that he would marry us as long as we did premarital counseling with him. We had our first session last Wednesday. Erich and I took a vow of chastity, and Erich became a Christian. Large vats of emotion and under-stories, but because I'm pressed on time, I have to keep this post vaguely vague.

Seven weeks until the day of wedding, and we are feeling every minute of it. Erich and I are sleeping in seperate rooms, but it doesn't help much with the tension. The wedding seems rediculously far off.

I know we can make it-although right now, Erich seems to be slightly jumpy and grumpy-poor guy. But hey, he's the one who wanted to do it first. HIS Idea. I follow through with it because I love him, and because, we'll, kinda takes two for consenting sex. I could.....eh heh, nevermind. I will not rape.

Other than that, kudos to Wendy for getting a boyfriend! About dang time woman!

I have been speaking with a lawyer in regards to custody, and he ain't happy with Steve and Sharon. Did you know you could go to jail for impersonating a legal official? Not just police officers or judges....lawyers as well. So if you tell people who have a large interest in your legal affair, such as the other party, that you have a lawyer and start rattling off all this stuff about a firm and holding up due processing with lies, you can go to jail.
While I don't want Steve in jail, if he IS lying, which I really think he is, at this point, then he can go to federal prison for up to 2 years.

Way to go, dill hole.

Some people are retarded.


I'm hungry, and shall eat.

Icky

I feel sick. My head is doing the drum thing, my stomach is all queasy, and I'm severely tired.

But that's okay. It was totally worth what happened last night!
We went to the German-American Society, in downtown area, and the old guy said he'd lease the building to us for 325 dollars. I was rather shocked. I mean, this place has hard wood floors, and large, beautiful reception areas. Not to mention a bar.

Although we're having a dry wedding, Erich was still excited about the idea of a bar. Bless his heart. Then we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond, my own personal mecca, and got wax filled goblets and some decorations for the pretty tables. And today, I bought the stuff to make the invitations. It's gonna be a lot of fun!

Erich and I are doing great-to be expected. I think my leeriness has gone down a couple degrees, I only go into tiny panics several times a day, and manage to quell 98% of them. Sometimes one squeezes out, but Erich and I both are seeing an improvement.

I've also started losing weight, since I started the anti-depressants. 3 pounds so far, but hopefully it keeps going down. Since I got on the depo shot, I gained 20 pounds, ugh. My goal is to keep doing the exercise and slim-fast meal for breakfast every morning. And every night....well....ahem....well I'll just say at night I get exercise.

I went to my old church last Sunday, which was interesting. It was like going to a family reunion. I was devastated to find that Dave Frasier died, just last month, of an extremely rare disease. He was only 50 years old, and left behind a wife, and 12 year old son. I was deeply shocked, and saddened. But he was a devout Christian, so hopefully, he found the rest his poor body needed.

I've decided to fall in love with Michael's, the greatest craft store of all times....it's like the Costco for scrapbookers. *drool*

Oh, and I bought vellum paper. (Men, ask a woman. She will know if she ever thought of invitations....if you didn't know) I realised that I have grown more confident with buying stuff on the Internet. I'm still cautious, but I realise that a whole new world has opened up. I bought some of my scarp booking stuff, and my wedding shoes. I will say right now, I HATE high heels, and will NEVER wear them. I bought ballet slippers.

Lory, Erich's mom, was ecstatic when I called her last night to tell her the good news. And apparently she thinks we're on the same mind length because we both had the same idea for table decorations. HAH!

Well, Erich wants to get the "torture" of Michael's done. I have to pick up some stuff.

I love life. Weird, huh?

Fears

You guys are too good to me.

Well, I took the plunge.

I sat down with Erich, and explained what had hurt me the most, and how I was feeling.
I explained that I didn't feel this was a small matter, and that other relationships had started the same way. I explained how I knew it wasn't fair to hold past relationships, but then I realised that it was stupid to say that. We learn from our mistakes, and take great care in not making them in the future, if we're smart. So yes, I do hold those up to the light and compare. I am not ashamed. I told him how his actions were indeed similar to those of Steve, and I didn't feel comfortable continuing a relationship.

Period.

I did not leave a window open for him to redeem himself. I explained myself and told him that I would not continue the current relationship.

And I must say, the boy did well. He was upset-not angry, but devastated. He told me that he was so sorry, but he couldn't take back what he did. He said that he never had valued anything as much as his relationship with me, and he never meant to harm it. He proceeded to hold me. He didn't lose it and bawl, but he just brushed my hair, and whispered into my ear all the things he loved about me, and how much he wanted to marry me. His hands curled around me, and held me close, and I lost it.

I was so sad-I mean, I've connected with this man in a way that I've never connected with anybody. We have similar tastes, and different tastes, enough to keep it interesting, spicy. But more than that-I finally felt safe. Not like...not paranoid, I guess. But I didn't feel like he would use me to win over his parents. I didn't feel like he was using me to fix himself.

Truth be told, Erich was quite whole without me, which is something I deeply valued from him. I didn't want to be "the missing link." I wanted to be the complement. Something that he loved all because of it. (me...I'm not an inanimate object)

I prayed. Deep prayers, lots of tears. I thought of all the great times we had. They far out-number these few problems. I thought about how I really felt, in my heart of hearts. I realised that I was confident that I could work past this. I really felt like this could be worked with, muscled out, and be done with.

I even felt a little silly, for making a big deal about past relationships that were none of my business anyways. I was looking out for the red flags...but then I realised there was just one-and it was mine. I literally went into this relationship expecting him to cheat and lie and hurt me. I literally braced myself for it. He found my behavior alarming, but went straight to work in mending my heart. He never once ridiculed me for crying for no reason. He never once complained if I wanted to talk. He sincerely listened when I talked, and he offered solutions, gave advice. He never once was offended if I didn't take it. He knew I was paranoid, and he felt so bad that he had done it. Now, I'm sure you might be thinking, "you don't know if he really did feel bad." I don't know if he really, truly means that. I will never, ever KNOW if he is telling the truth. I can't read his mind, control his thoughts. But my heart can read him. His mind, his actions. And....I feel a little better. But I realised that in doing what I did, it was a huge leap of faith. And I would have to do the one thing I never wanted to do again. TRUST. It felt strange, in a way, to not even feel right saying the word trust. I shudder just thinking about it. I define trust as a way of opening yourself up for hurt. No other definition. Trust was opening up your heart and soul to murder, and I don't want it. I still DO NOT want that. But.....

I realised I will never truly know his heart. I will never, ever truly know if Erich loves me for me. I can't read his mind. I will have to TRUST that what this man says is true, and believe in what he says and shows by his actions.

And if, by his actions, he shows me that there is something going on, I will investigate it. But, and this is the hard part, I can't keep treating Erich like he hit me, cheated on me, used me to get in good with his parents, and for my money. I have to start treating Erich like a different person. It's hard to say this, and even typing it feels like ripping of the scab from this stupid scar I have, Erich is not Steve. What scares me most is I can't figure out his next move. It was easier to just assume he was like Steve, because then I was able to feel confident that he could never hurt me. It's hard to explain, but somehow, I felt if I treated him like Steve AFTER everything had happened, I couldn't get hurt. So why did I still feel hurt? Why was Erich feeling so hurt?

AH HAH. It feels better now. I didn't just flip a switch and say "I trust you now." I don't. And to be honest, I will always keep a small grain of logical doubt in my mind, in case he starts showing the "signs." And if he does, I know that I MUST be strong, and do the right thing for myself.

I know that every minute, every hour. Every time that man gets near a computer, or a cell phone, or leaves the room for a long period of time, I will have to quell that fear. That paranoia. I have to know that if Erich does cheat on me, I can't truly stop him. I may delay it, but really, it's only dealing with the eventual pain that will come. Drawing it out, making it hurt more. He will cheat if he really wants to, and I have to know that if it happens, then it happens. It eases the load a bit, you know? It's not like I feel free-but I feel like the dark shadow that draws tears to my eyes, keeps me awake at night, and has me trembling in fear each time I wake up and he isn't in bed....I feel like each day those lift just a little more.

It's time to stop hurting and sabotaging myself. I will accept this gift God has given me. I will trust Erich, even though it's hard to do, because I have to work especially hard to make my relationship wonderful. And it's well worth it.

He's well worth it.


I'm worth it.

Today went slow. Work was ridiculously tedious, and drama ensued.
What can I tell you...hmm...lets go back to my last post:

Ah yes. Erich and I had to have a small discussion. Actually, lemme rephrase that....we had a HUGE discussion. Erich...I fear....has been....misleading me.

Before we got the internet, which I was hesitant to get because of previous relationships, I spoke to Erich on the fear I had about us being dishonest, and using the internet for more....distrustful things. We both swore to be honest, and faithful, and not do anything stupid.

*cough*

I hate Myspace. The ONLY reason I use myspace is my entire family is on it. If you look at my friends list, Top 8 are bros and sisters, and my mom. I have friends from work. Steve is still on the list, because I can keep tabs on him with his whereabouts of my son. No one else.

Erich recently started using Myspace. His myspace had girls. Not tons, mind you, but a good number. At first, I was okay.

Then one day, Erich was texting someone. I happened to ask who it was, he explained it was a friend from online, named Angie. There was nothing between them, he said. Nor would there ever be. Okay, whatever.
So then he starts sending stuff to her on myspace. All the time.
Suddenly, he's hiding his phone whenever I'm in the room. Erasing all text messages before letting me see his phone for any reason. He pulls down Myspace screens, and his email is never accessed if I'm around. He's being....sneaky.

I'm immediately shaken, and worried. I ask to meet her, and he says no, I wouldn't want to. She's a nobody.

Finally, to make a long story short, I confronted him. He tells me yeah, he was hiding things about her, because she just broke up with her ex, and he was giving her advice, and he thought if I knew, I'd think they were doing stuff together. Now, don't get me wrong, I trusted him. Still....kinda....do. But finally, he erased her number off his phone and says he isn't going to talk to her anymore, because he wants me to know that he's all about earning trust.

Few days later, I go online, and Angie is leaving comments on his myspace, in response to comments he left on hers. At first, I was thinking, okay, just let it go, it's not a big deal. But it was. I felt like I was being lied to. So I finally confronted Erich and said, not that I mind if you talk to her, but why did you say you wouldn't, but now you are on Myspace? His answer was that he had specified text messages and phone calls. He never said anything about Myspace.

Now, it's not like they're sending sordid messages to each other, or planning to hook up, which I will speak more on in a minute. It's just friendly, congrats on your engagement, and I'm sorry about what happened, sort of emails. I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the fact that he refuses to allow me to meet her, he refuses to allow me to talk to her.
So I emailed her.

Lo and behold! She's hurt by his extreme behavior, says he suddenly took her off his friends list, and wont talk to her anymore. She has no clue why. I told her the reason I was insecure, and she was genuinely shocked that he felt it necessary to keep the two of us from talking.

THEN.

I find out two shocking things in one day-and I'm seriously pissed about this, even right now.
First off, Erich said nothing but friendship with Angie and him. I found out he had slept with Angie when him and his ex Kassie were on "a break." SO, strike one. He lied to me about sleeping with her, and to me, there is NO SUCH THING as a friggin break. So he cheated on Kassie. And never told her what he had done.
TWO. I find out the girl who most recently asked me to be her friend, Jenell, was also an EX of Erichs.
*Please note:When we first started dating, Erich said he hadn't had sex since him and Kassie broke up."
He slept with her after him and Kassie broke up.
So now, he's talking to two ex's, online and on the phone, and lied about his relationship with both of them.
Since then, the girls and I have been in contact, which apparently pissed of the "player" over there. He's not mad at me, he just "wishes they would leave his life for good." If he wanted them out of his life, he wouldn't have texted them, myspace'd them. He wouldn't have still kept in contact with them. He wouldn't have kept a picture of Angie's boobs on his phone, (until I found out about it, then he erased it rather quickly) and he wouldn't be LYING to me.
I'm severely hurt. And pissed.

I know that he's a wonderful man, in every other way. But. There it is. The but. The fact that I'm looking at my fiance and saying, he's great....but.... there's a definite problem.

I dunno what to do. I don't feel like I should be marrying him now. I feel....like he's gonna cheat on me. I mean, he's lied to me about so much else, that I don't know if I can believe him. If he'd lied to me about how much bratwurst he ate, or how much money he'd spent, I'd be upset, but I'd still want to marry him.

Now...I just look at the lies he's told, and even though he hasn't cheated on me, I fear that the possibility is more real than I had previously thought. Do I think he's going to be faithful?.....I don't. I see his actions, and they speak far louder than his words.

I keep crying, because I have these horrible dreams of Erich saying he doesn't love me anymore, and for me to leave. I keep crying because I really do LOVE Erich. I mean, he's so sweet, considerate, kind, friendly. But the ex-girlfriend thing has really got my insides in a twist...if he cheated on his girlfriend of 3 years with someone else....what will happen to me in three years? Will he still want to be with me then. I don't know his heart. I can't look into his eyes and verify if it's true or not...

I'm planning a wedding that I don't think I should be having. And unless something changes, I'm gonna have to call it off. I refuse to put myself in a situation, AGAIN, where I'm paranoid, scared, lied to on a constant basis, and depressed. I want to be free, free of the scares...

I love this guy....but what do I do?

I Hate Jobs

I've been selling myself like a starved prostitute to businesses around Spokane. Waiving my seemingly well-written, gilded application in their faces. They take the bait, like large fishes. Then they draw me in, saying things like "The phone call is really just a formality" and "You got the highest aptitude score I've ever seen" and "They'd be stupid to not hire you."

As hope and fear glimmer in my heart, they shove me, tattered, with a brown piece of paper that is now my application, into a pile of snow....my job.

In other words, after three grueling interviews, a typing test, a math and basic skills test, (which I aced) and a "mock" phone call test, they dumped me back in the cold. With no real reason as to why. Nothing. They all looked me in the eyes and gushed at my friendliness, my willingness to work, my empathy skills.

What the hell happened?

I told myself it wouldn't matter if I didn't get this job. It just meant I wasn't supposed to be doing it. And I have to keep reminding myself that there may be something better out there. But it's a really hard chant to keep whispering as you look at each paycheck, wishing for more.

I guess, it's not that I'm poor. It's just that a wedding doesn't come all that cheap. I grew up in a poor family, so my parents wont help out. Erichs parents think we should pay for it on our own. I know there's a good reason, the words escape me right now. But I think big. I'm a dreamer. I want so bad to have that wedding where my good friends and family are amazed by the grandeur of the ceremony site. I wanted them to lose their breath when I walked into the room. I want Erich to look at me with tears in his eyes (of happiness, thanks) and for his best friends to cheer him on. I want to provide a wonderful reception, with dancing, and horrible karaoke. But most of all, I want to look back on that day, 50 years from now, and think that it was all I ever wanted it to be.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe...I'm being impatient.
All I know, is that as soon as we found out about the cancer scare, (again) we realised that we may not have much time. Nothing like cancer to spark the romance, eh? But I have no money. Bills have to be paid. And I could piece together each penny, but it always seems like something comes up. Erichs computer blew, he needs new brakes, I need medication, I have to go to another doctors appointment....any time I save up even the most basic amount of each paycheck, something always seems to come up. And I just feel defeated.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I should buck up. Already, I'm beginning to feel the determination come back to keep hunting for another job. Something that pays better. I want to go to college, but I can't afford it, and I have no where-abouts on my parents information, nor would they ever provide it. We hardly speak, really.

It just seems my entire life is a Catch-22, so to speak. Every time I turn around, it seems another wall with no windows or doors slams down around me.

That's all for my complaining. I'm gonna go eat dinner. And cheer up Maria...she had to work late today, so we're gonna scrapbook it up at her house. (She has very nice supplies, and is very generous with it...)

Peace out.

Greenbluff, WA

Yesterday, Erich and I went to Greenbluff. It's pretty much a slice of Americana. Country homes, Farmers markets, and little stands lined up everywhere. Trees were in abundance, changing every color, covering fields of pumpkins and corn stalks with a gentle blanket of golds and oranges, reds and browns.

It was a romantic day, we were extremely excited. We left early, I turned off my phone. We decided this was to be OUR day. A day for us-we'd given our entire week to work, to family, to friends. This was our one day to just be ourselves, to fall in love with the country, and to recall childhood memories.

I got a great apron that said "I love cooking with wine...sometimes I even put some in the food!" (Although I put more wine in food than in me. Promise) I got some homemade blackberry jam and apple butter. We also got some Spartan and Empire apples. I call the bag the Spartan Empire. "this is Spartaaaaaa!"
We also got some candy-I got a box full of homemade chocolate caramels. And they are delicious. My weight agrees. *sigh*

After we got done at Greenbluff, we went to have a sub sandwich (avacodo sandwich...o so good!) and then we went up to see my Grandma and Granpa Ballard!
We love my grandparents...something I have really appreciated, being as previous relationships never cared for meeting my family. Erich shows a genuine interest in my siblings, in my parents, and in my grandparents. Especially my grandparents. And my grandparents have really gotten attached to him.

We went over around 2:00, and stayed until 9:30ish. I couldn't believe it-we stayed up just talking about politics, and movies, and music, and relationships, and family. We talked about money, and the economy. My grandparents told the hilarious stories about family functions and their outcomes. And I felt like they were the best family I ever had. They like talking to me more than my own parents do. My own relatives. Anyone. It's nice.

It was great!

So that was my Day!