Stardate 10192008

I love the feel of starting up a new blog in a familiar place. It makes me feel like I came to a remodeled house I grew up in. It's delightful, scary, exciting, and breathtaking. But most of all....it's mine.

So welcome to my new home. I've had many blogs over the years. I'm not going to name them, because these blogs depressed the absolute crap out of me. The past is bitter.

My name is Stephanie. I live in Washington. Born and raised next door in Idaho, I am...a real dork. I punctuate a good joke or a funny story with a signature snort-complete with red face and gaped teeth. I have corkscrew brown hair, amateur highlighted-poorly, in my opinion. I have gained quite a few pounds-much to my chagrin. I have a wedding dress to fit into, after all, and this makes it harder to do. I'm of the legal age to drink, and found I only do it VERY occasionally. I tend to be a huger fool when I'm completely loaded. It's kinda sad. And since I do quite a bit of retarded all by myself, I really don't need alcohol to finish the job.

I have a son, his name is Alexander Maxwell. He has blond corkscrew curls, big, blue eyes, and a softness for technology. He's VERY independent. He does NOT like to be carried. He prefers to walk all by his big-boy self up and down the street, pinkie finger firmly in his grasp. And he snores in his sleep-enduring little snore, makes me almost tear up at the simple cuteness of him sometimes.

I am dating again. His name is Erich, and he's perfect. He's...the yin to my yang. After a rough patch of freaking myself out about guys, trust, and relationships, and almost losing Erich, I found that he is the one. THE ONE. The words sound dramatic, but they so fit him. When I get paranoid about a girl, he soothes my ruffled feathers. He introduces them to me. He talks to me about them. When I wake up at 7:30 AM on a Saturday with a tummy that screams to be filled with IHOP hashbrowns, he does the honors and drives. He loves my son, (I think he loves the Tonka trucks more) and he respects me. Which is still something I have issues recognising. What is this respect you speak of? And what can it do for me? I was deeply scarred, but I'm doing a heck of a lot better now.

I realised that I may have a chemical problem, or a mental problem. I prefer chemical. Keep more friends that way. I tend to get angry or depressed for no reason at all sometimes. I don't want to hurt myself or something stupid like that. I just get so FRUSTRATED and ANGRY, I tend to just distance myself from everyone while I try, desperately, to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

I am waiting to get some treatment, to get back on the meds. I hope it happens soon.

I am getting married, on February 6th, 2008. At the Coeur d Alene Wedding Chapel. It's a beautiful spot with some major history, and it's right next to the lake. One could, if one went at a certain time, see an Ironman Triatholon while looking out stained glass windows. One could walk from said church and see a floating golf course, and beautiful mountains and one of the cleanest lakes in the world. It's the perfect place for a home town girl to get married.

I am imperfect. I do forget things, I still have trust issues, and I have issues with driving, still. May God forgive me my transgressions, and give me the strength to not grip the steering wheel until my knuckles are white.

That's all for me today. Until more soul-searching.