Monday, October 29, 2007

I Hate Jobs

I've been selling myself like a starved prostitute to businesses around Spokane. Waiving my seemingly well-written, gilded application in their faces. They take the bait, like large fishes. Then they draw me in, saying things like "The phone call is really just a formality" and "You got the highest aptitude score I've ever seen" and "They'd be stupid to not hire you."

As hope and fear glimmer in my heart, they shove me, tattered, with a brown piece of paper that is now my application, into a pile of job.

In other words, after three grueling interviews, a typing test, a math and basic skills test, (which I aced) and a "mock" phone call test, they dumped me back in the cold. With no real reason as to why. Nothing. They all looked me in the eyes and gushed at my friendliness, my willingness to work, my empathy skills.

What the hell happened?

I told myself it wouldn't matter if I didn't get this job. It just meant I wasn't supposed to be doing it. And I have to keep reminding myself that there may be something better out there. But it's a really hard chant to keep whispering as you look at each paycheck, wishing for more.

I guess, it's not that I'm poor. It's just that a wedding doesn't come all that cheap. I grew up in a poor family, so my parents wont help out. Erichs parents think we should pay for it on our own. I know there's a good reason, the words escape me right now. But I think big. I'm a dreamer. I want so bad to have that wedding where my good friends and family are amazed by the grandeur of the ceremony site. I wanted them to lose their breath when I walked into the room. I want Erich to look at me with tears in his eyes (of happiness, thanks) and for his best friends to cheer him on. I want to provide a wonderful reception, with dancing, and horrible karaoke. But most of all, I want to look back on that day, 50 years from now, and think that it was all I ever wanted it to be.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe...I'm being impatient.
All I know, is that as soon as we found out about the cancer scare, (again) we realised that we may not have much time. Nothing like cancer to spark the romance, eh? But I have no money. Bills have to be paid. And I could piece together each penny, but it always seems like something comes up. Erichs computer blew, he needs new brakes, I need medication, I have to go to another doctors appointment....any time I save up even the most basic amount of each paycheck, something always seems to come up. And I just feel defeated.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I should buck up. Already, I'm beginning to feel the determination come back to keep hunting for another job. Something that pays better. I want to go to college, but I can't afford it, and I have no where-abouts on my parents information, nor would they ever provide it. We hardly speak, really.

It just seems my entire life is a Catch-22, so to speak. Every time I turn around, it seems another wall with no windows or doors slams down around me.

That's all for my complaining. I'm gonna go eat dinner. And cheer up Maria...she had to work late today, so we're gonna scrapbook it up at her house. (She has very nice supplies, and is very generous with it...)

Peace out.

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