Life After 7:45AM

It was very early when I woke up the first time...4:00AM to be specific. But I was suddenly, inexplicably awake. Couldn't go back to sleep for sometime, which has caused in irrational need to sleep at all times.
Today, Erich and I went to church. We've never gone to church together before, but I felt it would be great to go, hear a lecture, blend in, and get out of the house.
When we were getting ready, Erich starts laying out this nice suit attire, and I had to snort. "Erich, when was the last time you went to church?"
Then came the sheepish response of "when I was really young."
I had to explain, ironically, that the culture had changed since then. We no longer wear suits and ties or dresses to church. Girls and guys both show up in sweatshirts and jeans, hair thrown back in a pony tail or under a baseball hat.
He was shocked and amazed, when we pulled up, how true that was. I was more shocked and amazed with the absolute size of the place. It was really big.
I took notes throughout the lecture-Erich squished between me, and a woman holding a VERY young baby...no more than 2 months old. He handled it well, for being nervous about the little thing.
There was one moment that really stuck out for me today. In the middle of the lecture, an old man in a wheelchair was pushed into the room. He had one of those tubes that go in your nose to help you breathe. And his barely-there hair was sticking up in tufts. And he was grinning to shame a fox. But what struck me was the woman pushing him. You knew she was his wife, from the familiar, and comfortable way she patted his shoulder as the wheeled through the back walkway. Her hair was hidden under a bonnet, and her clothes were definitely something an old woman wore. But I saw the way they settled in, her immediately turning the pages for him, tidying down his tufts as best as she could. He finally grabbed her hand in his shaky one, and squeezed it gently. And she settled.
Just watching them, loving, together, probably for a very long time, I looked at Erich, and decided I would like to do that. Not the wheeling thing-he's a big guy...I'd crumble. But maybe he could push me. Or little Millers would push both of us. Either way, when my body starts to show the wear and tear, I want to have my heart still beating fiercely when I see him. Maybe I know that years down the road, it'll only be comfortable. The excitement of our marriage will have worn down, we'll just enjoy each day. But I want, sometimes, for that reminder, that flame, to flicker and show us both what brought us together. I see my grandparents, happy as clams, and they really are the only people I know that I want to be like, in more ways than one. I need that model, that goal. It's something that drives me.
And I have my views of relationship: Grace is necessary: One needs grace to forget the small things, to help clear the air to get to the root of the bigger things.
Love isn't fireworks in your stomach: Love is being there when your angry with each other, when your stuck eating top ramen, and when your other halfs family hates you. Love is persevering through the hard times, and remembering why you got into the relationship.
Its okay to be comfortable: It happens. It will. And I have to understand Erich wont love me any less when it does. It means he's finally be able to get a grip on those fireworks whenever we see each other.

I feel like thinking a lot today. Lectures do that to me.

I'm hoping, HOPING, that maybe this is the missing link. I remember going to church and feeling so alive. So full of hope....I felt like I was okay.

I want to feel that way again.

My friend Matthew, from second grade, said something to me once: "Once you go God, there's no going back."
It's true. Once you believe in God...it's kinda hard to forget about him. Heh.

I'm out.